Magnificent Moments of living with CES
I believe, there comes a point in all of our lives that we wish to live without pain. Chronic pain is one of the most difficult things to live with. It is something that controls every bit of your day. From sun up to sun down, and sometimes in-between, we deal with pain that just won't go away. The kind of pain that keeps you awake at night. The kind of pain that rules your every decision in life. The kind of pain you can't escape. There are some days that are better than others. The days where your meds are actually working, or you can put CES in the back of your brain. These days are few and far between. I am forever wishing for these days, reveling in celebration when the good days come!
This past weekend I got to experience a good day. My Friday started off like any other Cauda Equina sufferer. I rolled myself out of bed, hopped in the shower, got ready, and headed to work.... feeling awful, but determined to get through the day. Work was slow thankfully, and my pain was minimal. By the end of the day my back pain had started in, and nerve pain had settled into my foot. All I wanted to do was go home, lay down, and shut myself out until my pain subsided.
Something inside of me made me change my mind that day. My sister began house sitting for a wonderful couple who lived in a upscale neighborhood not too far from where I live at the beginning of the week. She went out of her way to ask them if I could swim in their huge in ground pool. Graciously, they said yes. She invited me at the beginning of the week, but I declined. All I could think about was getting in and out of the pool, and how bad I would feel afterwards.
However, Friday afternoon something came over me, and I decided to take her up on the offer. Getting in was the easy part. Getting out was a different story. The pool has weird way of making you feel weightless. We've all experienced this weightlessness, and it's almost a miracle how good you feel under the water. Standing up on my toes was my first priority in the pool. Something I can't do outside of the water. It felt so good to stand and flex my ankles. It was like a baby taking their first steps, as I walked across the pool on my toes.
Hours went by, and I realized the whole time I had been in the pool I hadn't experienced pain. The hours pasted by and the night settled in. At one point, I laid on my back looking up at the stars. Within those few minutes, I felt powerful. I felt right in the world again. It was so moving. What I thought was water running down my face, was actually tears. The past hours I had forgotten about pain, Cauda Equina, my nerves, my back, my foggy brain. I had escaped. But only for a moment. A beautiful, glorious, magnificent moment.