© 2019 Cauda Equina Foundation

Facing the Pain Demon; Even in the Joys of Life

November 30, 2017

 

 

Living with chronic pain is like a having a demon screaming in your ear to go lay down, to go home, to not call someone back, to not go to the grocery store, to just give up on living life because it takes up so much energy to pretend that it doesn't hurt.


 

We are constantly fighting this demon, it doesn't go away, it doesn't relent. It fights for control.


 

We have friends, we have a family, we have children, we have animals, all of which want and need our attention, our care, a piece of our daily energy allotment. How do we do it?


 

We do it because we are among the strongest individuals on the planet. We are #CESWarriors. We hear the voice in our head telling us to go home and lay down when we are at a restaurant with our family. We hear it telling us to sit down when we have to bake cupcakes for our children to take to school. We hear it screaming at us every time we laugh. We don't give in until it suits us or our bodies literally give out on us. We bake the cupcakes, we finish dinner at the restaurant, and we laugh louder. Then we rest with our memories and accomplishments. 


 

It gets mad at us for not listening to it and it retaliates, it makes us bed bound for days at a time for not listening. Or it makes us cry in pain. It makes the pain so bad the pain medications we have don't touch it. It is those days that we must remember that we did it, we made memories with those we love.


 

It is those memories that I use to get me through, it is knowing that one day soon I will be able to make more memories with the people that I love. It is the joy of others surrounding me when I'm with them. It is remembering the excitement of being able to experience life, remembering the smell of a forest, watching a sunrise or sunset, or finding a great deal on the clearance rack. So, sure, my pain demon is screaming at me to stop or not to even start for that matter, but it can't stop me from making the memories, feeling the joy and love around me, and the pureness of the world while I do it.

 

I named my pain daemon “Jeff”, with an “H” sound, “Heff”. He’s a jerk. He will not win. But dang if he doesn’t fight it and try to win. My memory that got me through today ---------------------------------------->

 

Hiking in High Falls State Park in Georgia. That was a good day. One day soon, I'll make a new memories to get me through more pain days. 

 

 

 

 

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